Window of Tolerance: What Does It Feel Like To Be Outside Yours?

By Kristi Turner

Several years ago, as a newly adoptive mom, I devoured all the parenting books searching for advice, tips and strategies to help me understand and effectively care for my kiddos. I desperately wanted to understand the impacts of their early life prior to coming home. One book that changed the way I parented my kiddos was The Whole-Brain Child by Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson. This book taught me all about the brain (which as I admitted last week I am a total brain geek!) and specifically about the fight-flight-freeze response of the nervous system. This was my aha moment as a parent, I learned that my kiddos were not intentionally acting out or “being bad” but that they were if fact in a state of nervous system dysregulation. This sparked in a me a passion to understand more about how to help them regulate and tolerate distressing and stressful situations. Through all this learning, I came to understand that we all have unique nervous systems that are impacted and helped in different ways. Understanding this was foundational in helping me become a more grounded attentive parent and person. And it all started with a concept known as window of tolerance.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

Think of your window of tolerance as the space where life feels manageable. Daniel Siegel (the creator of the concept) describes it as: “the best state of ‘arousal’ or stimulation in which we are able to function and thrive in everyday life”. When we exist within this window, we are able to learn effectively, play, and relate well to ourselves and others. Inside your window, you can:

  • Feel emotions without being overwhelmed.
  • Think and respond instead of reacting.
  • Stay present in conversations.

It doesn’t mean you’re calm all the time. It just means your nervous system isn’t in survival mode.

What Happens When We Leave the Window?

When something feels threatening, emotionally or physically, your nervous system doesn’t stop to ask, “Is this logical?”; it only cares about one thing: “am I safe?”. If your brain or body perceive the answer is no, your body moves you out of your window and into a survival response. These survival responses fall into one of four categories: fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

Above the Window: Fight and Flight

This is when your nervous system becomes hyperaroused. Hyperarousal is a state in which your senses are heightened and your thoughts, emotions and even some bodily processes work overtime. It’s like being in “fight-or-flight” mode all the time, only there’s no present danger.

Fight might look like:

  • Snapping or yelling
  • Feeling irritable or angry
  • Getting defensive
  • Wanting control

Flight might look like:

  • Avoiding conversations
  • Staying busy all the time
  • Anxiety or racing thoughts
  • Wanting to escape or disappear (without shutting down)

Below the Window: Freeze and Fawn

This is when our nervous system becomes hypoaroused. Hypoarousal is the opposite of hyperarousal. Instead of being alert and anxious, people in a state of hypoarousal shut down and feel depressed or numb. Rather than the nervous system being overly stimulated by the stress response, it is under stimulated.

Freeze might look like:

  • Feeling numb or blank
  • Struggling to speak or think
  • Wanting to withdraw
  • Feeling stuck or exhausted

Fawn might look like:

  • Saying yes when you mean no
  • People-pleasing
  • Over-apologizing
  • Losing track of your own needs

* Fawn is often misunderstood. It is often a relational survival strategy, especially common when safety depended on keeping others happy.

Strategies to help regulate your responses

It is important to note that you can’t talk yourself out of a nervous system response. When you’re outside your window logic doesn’t land and advice can feel irritating or impossible. Regulation doesn’t start with insight, it starts with the body feeling safe enough again. Here are some strategies to try when you are outside of your window of tolerance.

Feeling Hyperaroused (fight/flight):

· Movement (walking, stretching, shaking out muscles)

· Slowing the breath, especially longer exhales

· Grounding through the senses (temperature, pressure, sound)

· Clear, simple communication

· Feeling understood and validated

Feeling Hypoaroused (freeze/fawn):

· Small movements (wiggling toes, opening hands)

· Warmth (tea, blankets, warm showers)

· Sensory input (music, gentle light, texture)

· Paced breathing

· Being with someone safe and regulated

Remember, the goal isn’t to stay inside your window all the time, that’s not possible. But it is possible to notice sooner when you’ve left your window, have tools to match the state you’re in and slowly expand your window of tolerance over time. If you recognize yourself in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn nothing has gone wrong. Your nervous system adapted in ways that made sense at the time. And with support, awareness, and practice, it can learn new patterns too.

And this is my goal as a practicum student; I desire to support you and work together to explore ways to regulate your nervous system. I firmly believe that therapy can help you understand and build up your window of tolerance by supporting you to learn new patterns and ways of being. If you need extra support or want to learn more about your amazing nervous system, I would love to be that support for you.

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