“Why Do I Feel Like This Is My Fault?”
Shame and Self-Compassion in Trauma Healing
By Lindsey Novakowski
More and more people are open to talking and learning about mental health, which is something to be excited about! However, sometimes when people know a lot about general concepts of mental health and healing, it can be tricky when struggles are still happening. Sometimes this can turn into blaming yourself for not being “over” something. This can often turn into an overall belief about yourself because if you’re still struggling, something must be wrong with you.
When we grow up in environments where our emotions were invalidated, or even where emotions weren’t talked about at all, our nervous systems might learn that we need to put pressure on ourselves to get over it or carry on instead of reaching out for support. We learn that rather than being in tune with ourselves and where we’re at emotionally, it should be easy to move on from or handle our challenges. When this is understandably difficult, especially in cases of deeply rooted trauma, this is where shame takes over and can keep us stuck.
Shame looks like thoughts such as, I’m overreacting, or I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But, self-compassion and understanding can take a gentler approach that looks like, This reaction makes sense because of what I’ve been through, or, Maybe my emotions here are valid. It’s a subtle shift, but when we approach ourselves with compassion rather than shame and blame, we create the conditions where things can actually start to change.
Mindful self-compassion can be a really helpful addition to other forms of therapeutic support. It includes three core elements:
- Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment: Maybe it’s okay and it actually makes sense that I feel this way
- Common humanity vs. Isolation: Maybe I’m not the only person who has gone through painful experiences, and this can be a source of connection rather than separation
- Mindfulness vs. Over-identification: Maybe I don’t need to ignore or suppress my emotions, but I also don’t need to be consumed by them
Incorporating mindful self-compassion is a skill, and like any skill it takes practice! Over time, this way of being can begin to soften shame and create more internal safety.
However, self-compassion alone can’t always shift underlying patterns or internalized perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. This is where an approach like EMDR can help shift stuck experiences and implicit understandings that are stored in our brains and bodies. We can move beyond just talking about experiences, working towards integrating and resolving them so that they feel less present and controlling in everyday life. This can include some of the ways we may have developed our own understanding of ourselves, and letting go of limiting beliefs around guilt, shame, and worthiness.
If you’ve found yourself placing the blame for your challenges solely on yourself, it might be worth gently questioning that assumption. Healing isn’t linear, and it can’t be forced through pure willpower or logic. Often, the parts of us that are struggling with our pasts are still carrying something that hasn’t been fully understood or processed yet.
What if, instead of blaming yourself for not being “over” something painful or distressing, the approach shifted to asking yourself, What parts of me are still needing support in this moment?
Shifting from pressure and shame to curiosity and understanding can be the starting point for a new way of moving forward that is supportive of your nervous system and the validity of your emotions. Feeling guilty or ashamed is often a learned response, but by practicing mindful self-compassion and reaching out for support that can address these learned responses, we can give ourselves a bit more space for healing and being kind to ourselves throughout the process.