Showing Up with Love: Supporting a 2SLGBTQIA+ Loved One
By Victoria Cory
When a family member or loved one shares something important or new with you about their gender identity or sexual orientation, it can be a meaningful moment in your relationship. Whether they are coming out for the first time, exploring their identity, changing their name and/or pronouns, or simply just sharing more with you about themselves, they are often doing this from a place of vulnerability and trust.
For many parents, caregivers, and family members, this type of conversation can bring up a wide range of emotions. You may be honoured that they chose to share this part of themselves with you, but you also may feel uncertain, confused, worried, or afraid that you will say the wrong thing.
Do some of these thoughts sound familiar?
“What does this mean for my loved one’s future?”
“Have they always felt this way?”
“How can I best support them?”
“What if I don’t fully understand?”
“What if I make a mistake?”
“Will our relationship change?”
“What if I need time to process this information?”
All of these reactions can exist along side love and acceptance. Having questions does not make you unsupportive. What matters is finding ways to explore these questions while continuing to approach your loved one with care, respect, and an openness for learning.
For some parents and family members, feelings of grief or loss may also arise. This can feel confusing, especially when it exists alongside deep love and acceptance. This grief is generally not about the person in front of you, but the expectations, assumptions, or future that you had imagined. You may be letting go of a story you had unconsciously created about what your loved one’s life would look like. It is possible to love and affirm your love one while also adjusting to a different understanding of who they are and what the future holds.
What Your Loved One May Need Most
When someone shares their identity with you, they are often not looking for solutions. Most often, they are looking for connection, acceptance, and reassurance that your relationship remains intact.
Some of the most meaningful things you can offer are:
1) Listening: Try to listen with curiosity rather than assumption. Allow your loved one to share their experiences in their own words without jumping to questions, concerns, or advice.
2) Validation: You do not need to fully understand someone’s experience in order to acknowledge that it is real and important to them. Here are some simple statements you could use:
o “Thank you for sharing this with me”
o “I appreciate you trusting me with this”
o “I love you and I’m here for you”
3) Consistent Support: Support is demonstrated through everyday actions rather than grand gestures. Using a person’s chosen name and pronouns, respecting their boundaries, supporting them in their journey, and continuing to show up in their lives, sends a powerful message that they are loved and accepted.
When Worry Comes From a Place of Love
Parents and family members often express concerns about the challenges that their loved one may face in society. You may worry about discrimination, bullying, rejection, safety, or how others will respond.
While these worries are understandable, it can be helpful to distinguish between concerns about the world around your loved one and concerns about who they are.
The goal is not to change or discourage their identity exploration in an attempt to keep them safe. Instead, it is to become part of the support system that gives them the safety to navigate challenges and thrive. One of the strongest protective factors for 2SLGBTQIA+ individuals is having supportive family relationships.
You Don’t Have To Be Perfect
The concern that I hear from family and friends of 2SLGBTQIA+ individuals the most is, “What if I get it wrong?” Many people are afraid of making mistakes, especially when it comes to names, pronouns, or unfamiliar language.
Mistakes happen.
What matters most is how you respond when they occur. If you make a mistake:
– Acknowledge it
– Correct yourself
– Move forward
Most people appreciate genuine effort far more then perfection. The important part is to not make it about yourself (needing your loved one to comfort you) and to move forward with your support.
Supporting Yourself While Supporting Your Loved One
Sometimes family members and loved ones experience their own emotional journey as they adjust to new information or expectations. You may be processing questions about the future, family dynamics, feelings of grief and loss, cultural expectations, or your own understanding of gender and sexuality.
Having a space to explore these thoughts can be valuable. This could include:
– Speaking with an affirming counsellor
– Connecting with parent and family support groups
– Reading educational resources
– Talking with trusted friends and family members who are supportive and affirming.
Seeking support for yourself is not a sign that you are failing. It can help you show up more fully for your 2SLGBTQIA+ loved one.
Final Thoughts
Every person’s journey with gender identity and sexual orientation is unique. There is not one “right” way to support someone, and there is no expectation that you will know exactly what to do at every step. What matters most is your willingness to remain connected and show your loved one that what they have shared with you did not change their relationship with you.
For many people, the most powerful message they can receive is simply: “I love you, and I’m here with you.”