How Losing Control Can Help You Thrive
A Look at Katherine Morgan Schafler’s Book “The Perfectionist’s Guide to Letting Go”
By Melanie Ferster
We often think of perfectionism as a flaw, something to overcome, manage, or silence. But what if perfectionism isn’t the enemy of peace and progress? What if it’s actually trying to help you?
In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler reframes perfectionism not as a problem to fix, but as a form of hope. She argues that perfectionists are often deeply caring, idealistic people who notice the gap between what is and what could be, and feel called to bridge it. The trouble begins not in wanting things to be better, but in believing we must be perfect to be worthy, safe, or successful.
Rather than “curing” perfectionism, Schafler invites us to befriend it. She writes, “You don’t need to stop being a perfectionist. You just need to learn how to be a healthy one.”
From Control to Power
At the heart of Schafler’s message is a simple but radical shift: move from control to power.
When we’re stuck in control, we tighten, strive, and micromanage every detail, convinced that if we can just get everything right, we’ll finally feel calm or valued. Control is fear-based. It’s the belief that safety depends on doing things flawlessly.
Power, on the other hand, is rooted in confidence and flexibility. It’s the ability to show up fully and influence outcomes without needing to dominate them. When we act from power, we stay connected to our values, not our fears. We’re still intentional and committed, but we’re not enslaved by the outcome.
Schafler calls this a “reorientation” rather than a rejection of perfectionism. The goal isn’t to care less; it’s to care differently.
The Five Types of Perfectionists
Schafler identified five types of perfections which are each driven by a distinct motivation:
1. Classic Perfectionist – thrives on structure, lists and rules.
2. Intense Perfectionist – passionate, ambitious, and relentlessly high-achieving.
3. Parisian Perfectionist – seeks approval, belonging, and admiration from others.
4. Messy Perfectionist – creative and spontaneous but often scattered.
5. Procrastinating Perfectionist – delays starting until everything feels just right.
Each type holds strengths, diligence, passion, creativity, care, yet each can become distorted when driven by fear or shame. Recognizing your own pattern is the first step toward transforming it.
The Cost of Control
Perfectionism can motivate excellence, but it can also drain joy. When we strive for flawless execution, we often lose connection to why we began in the first place.
Maybe you’ve rewritten the same email three times. Or you put off starting a new project because it doesn’t feel “ready.” Maybe you hold yourself to standards that no one else could possibly meet.
The hidden cost of this control is exhaustion. We trade rest for reassurance, creativity for certainty, authenticity for approval.
Schafler reminds readers that perfectionism, at its core, is an expression of longing; a longing for safety, connection, and purpose. When we meet that longing with compassion rather than criticism, control starts to loosen its grip.
Five Practical Ways to Let Go (Without Losing Your Standards)
1. Identify Your Perfectionist Type
Notice where perfectionism shows up most strongly in your life. Do you crave control, approval, creativity, or certainty? Naming your type helps you recognize when that part of you is leading the way. Awareness is power.
Try this: Write down three ways perfectionism helps you — and three ways it hinders you.
2. Acknowledge the Cost of Control
Perfectionism often promises peace but delivers pressure.
Try this: Make a short list of what control is costing you — sleep, laughter, spontaneity, or connection. Ask yourself, Is the cost worth it?
3. Practice “Micro-Letting-Go” Moments
Letting go doesn’t require a grand gesture; it happens in small choices.
Try this: Send the email without re-reading it twice. Let someone else load the dishwasher their way. Leave a project at “good enough” instead of “perfect.” Notice what it feels like to choose ease over precision.
4. Shift from Control to Power
Instead of asking “How can I control this?”try asking “How can I bring my best energy to this?”
This subtle shift moves you from anxiety to agency. It reframes perfectionism as a force of creativity, not constraint.
5. Honour the In-Between
Schafler calls this the liminal space — the uncomfortable “in-between” moment when you’ve stopped clinging to control but haven’t yet found your footing in freedom.
This space can feel uncertain, even lonely, but it’s also where growth takes root.
Try this: When you feel unsettled, remind yourself, This is what transformation feels like.
The Beauty of Becoming More Human
Perfectionism doesn’t vanish when you learn to let go — it evolves. It becomes a wiser, gentler part of you, one that still loves beauty and excellence but now knows how to rest in imperfection.
You can hold your standards without holding your breath. You can strive without suffering. You can care deeply without losing yourself in the chase for flawless.
As Schafler writes, “Healthy perfectionism is about vitality, not exhaustion. It’s about bringing your whole self to what matters most.”
When you loosen your grip, you don’t lose control — you gain connection: to others, to meaning, and to yourself.