When Parenting Feels Extra Hard

Raising kids is one of the most beautiful, exciting, challenging, fulfilling and draining experiences we can undertake in our lives. In today’s world, that is increasingly independent and has our villages of support scattered across great distances, parenting can at times feel extra hard and extra isolating.

Sometimes we can find ourselves thinking thoughts we never thought possible – like “I regret having kids” or “my life was better before I became a parent” or “I wish I could run away and live alone on a deserted island with no one touching me.” Sometimes we can find ourselves behaving in ways we never thought possible – like screaming ragefully at our kids, using forceful forms of punishment, or panicking whenever the phone rings because we fear it is the school calling about our kid again. I want to assure you that these feelings and actions, while overwhelming and out of character, are a normal part of an unsupported parenting journey.

Maybe you are parenting an adopted or foster kiddo and you are experiencing vicarious trauma, maybe you are parenting a neurodivergent kiddo and all you feel is judged, condemned and othered by other parents, or maybe you are parenting a kiddo who is sick, or has special needs and you just can’t take going to yet another appointment. Your story is unique, and your kiddo is unique, but your feelings and actions are not. Others experience them. I have experienced them. There is hope and there is help.

These feelings and actions are not your fault. What you are experiencing has a name, and that name is compassion fatigue.

What is Parental Compassion Fatigue?

Parental compassion fatigue is a state of emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion experienced by parents who are constantly exposed to the suffering or distress of their children. It’s a sense of overwhelm that can occur when a parent’s ability to empathize, care, and feel joy diminishes due to prolonged and intense exposure to their child’s struggles. The constant need to adapt, cope, and reframe their perspective, as well as the emotional burden of witnessing their child’s struggles, can contribute to this state of exhaustion. Your nervous system becomes overtaxed by your parenting demands, and you do not have anything extra to give.

Symptoms of parental compassion fatigue can include feeling detached, hopeless, isolated, physically or mentally drained, and experiencing heightened emotions. It can also lead to neglecting one’s own needs, experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or sleep disturbances, and a lack of interest in everyday tasks.

Compassion fatigue can significantly impact a parent’s well-being, potentially leading to depression, anxiety, and even illness. It can also affect the parent-child relationship, as the parent may struggle to connect emotionally with their child and feel like they are “going through the motions”.

What can I do?

Maybe you are nodding your head along with what has been written, maybe you are recognizing some of these symptoms in your own life, or maybe you are concerned that you might be headed down the path towards compassion fatigue. It’s crucial for you to recognize the signs of compassion fatigue and seek support.

Here are a few simple ideas to get you started in finding help for your parenting journey.

· Prioritize your own self-care. Eat balanced meals, stay hydrated, move your body, get enough sleep

· Treat yourself with kindness. Practice gratitude, show yourself compassion, forgive yourself.

· Reconnect with friends and family. Phone or send letters, share memories, find common interests.

· Practice mindfulness. Breathing exercises, journalling, yoga, meditation.

· Take short breaks throughout the day. Take a short walk, listen to music, stretch, declutter.

· Celebrate the small wins. Treat yourself, keep a journal, share with others.

· Seek professional support. Join a support group, talk to a therapist, find a parenting mentor.