Healing with Kindness: The Power of Self-Compassion for Trauma
By Lindsey Novakowski
Being kind to ourselves is a seemingly simple practice and mindset, with incredible research-backed results for wellbeing. However, for so many of us, self-compassion can be difficult to embody, especially after trauma. We often extend compassion and understanding to others with ease yet offering that same care to ourselves can feel unfamiliar, undeserved, or even pointless. However, this loving internal awareness or presence can be a powerful tool for moving forward after trauma.
Self-Compassion After Trauma
Many people find it difficult to practice self-compassion, and survivors of trauma are no exception. If the trauma was abusive in nature, our internal monologue may be the voice of our abuser criticizing us and tearing us down. If the trauma was something like an accident or an act of violence, there may be strong feelings of guilt, shame, or blame. Sometimes thoughts like the following can be internalized before we even realize it, distorting our version of reality and contributing to issues like anxiety, depression, and PTSD:
I should have done something differently and maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
This is all my fault.
I deserved this.
I’m a weak/bad/broken person.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Often people think that treating trauma means changing the way we feel about what happened to us. If we can convince ourselves our trauma wasn’t painful, scary, or overwhelming, surely we’ll feel better about it…right? But trauma is, for lack of a better word, traumatic, precisely because of how difficult it was to experience. The goal of trauma treatment isn’t to try to trick ourselves into feeling otherwise.
Research shows the most significant reductions in PTSD symptoms occur when trauma treatment targets these often-inaccurate beliefs (what we call cognitive distortions) about ourselves specifically (Gómez et al., 2019). This is where self-compassion comes in.
What Does Self-Compassion Mean?
Many of us have heard the term self-compassion before, but what does it actually mean? Dr. Kristen Neff (2021) breaks it down into three components:
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
When we practice self-compassion, we treat ourselves with kindness, regardless of our perceived level of deservedness. No matter how badly we may think or feel about ourselves (and again, traumatic experiences like abuse often mean we may have been conditioned to think/feel this way, distorting our sense of self), we are all deserving of love, kindness, and support. Self-compassion helps to soften that inner critic and shift it from, “I deserved this” or “I should have known better” to, “What happened wasn’t my fault, and I am worthy of care.”
2. Common humanity vs. Isolation
Our struggles can often feel isolating, especially after trauma. If we’re weighed down by these cognitive distortions about ourselves in relation to trauma, it often might feel as if we’re the only person who has ever experienced something like this. However, to be human is to be imperfect. Our common humanity, including our imperfections and our painful experiences, is what unites us, and not what tears us apart. This recognition after trauma can help us feel less alone and less broken.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
When we practice self-compassion with mindfulness and intention, we can avoid either suppressing our feelings or being excessively caught up in them. Mindfulness involves non-judgment and accepting ourselves exactly as we are. Maybe you’re noticing that you feel ashamed or unlovable. Mindfulness helps us say, “Hey, I’m noticing this thought about myself, but I don’t necessarily have to believe it.”
Simple Practices for Self-Compassion
Regardless of where you may be on your journey with trauma, self-compassion can be a gentle and effective tool for supporting yourself on your path to healing. A few simple practices to try are:
-Self-Compassion Break: When you are feeling overwhelmed, try saying three things to yourself:
1. This is a moment of suffering (mindful acceptance of your feelings)
2. Suffering is a part of life (you’re not alone)
3. May I be kind to myself (what do I need in this moment?)
-Self-Holding: When a baby or small child is crying, how do most caregivers soothe it? Often they’ll reach out and pick it up, embracing the child with love and care. In the same way, we can offer this sense of physical safety to ourselves. Some examples are to place one hand on your sternum and one on your heart, give yourself a hug, or gently cup your face with your hands. Find what feels good and hold yourself for as long as you need to.
-How Would You Treat a Friend: Imagine if someone close to you had gone through what you experienced and was coming to you for support. Now, imagine what you might say to them. If it’s helpful, write it down. Next time you’re finding it difficult to show yourself compassion, think about how you would treat a friend, or pull out your letter and re-read it to yourself.
If any of these practices feel strange or even uncomfortable, that’s okay. You are invited to be gentle with yourself. Go slowly and only explore what feels tolerable.
There is no right or wrong way to move forward after trauma, and no single best way to treat it. However, a common factor contributing to PTSD is how we think and feel about ourselves in the aftermath. There are specific treatments for trauma that can help address negative thoughts about ourselves, and any of our counsellors would be happy to work with you on this. In the meantime, no matter where you are on your journey, know that you are always worthy of love, support, and care. Try approaching your healing with the same compassion you’d offer someone you love and see what changes.
Gómez de La Cuesta, G., Schweizer, S., Diehle, J., Young, J., & Meiser-Stedman, R. (2019). The relationship between maladaptive appraisals and posttraumatic stress disorder: A meta-analysis. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 10(1), Article1620084. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008198.2019.1620084
Neff, K. (2021). Fierce self-compassion: How women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power, and thrive. HarperCollins Publishers.