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Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Gottman- Inspired Tips

For Surviving the Holidays as a Couple

By Lindsey Novakowski

The holidays can be a beautiful time of connection and celebration, but they can also bring stress, overwhelm, and increased conflict. Even though the holidays are meant for taking a pause from real life and spending time with loved ones, the pressure of the season can create conflict that drives you and your partner further apart. Using Gottman Method principles, here are some practical tips to help couples foster connection and move through the holidays as a team.

1. Identifying the Real Enemy (Hint: It Usually Isn’t Each Other)

When tensions rise, couples often start blaming each other instead of viewing the situation itself as the problem. Gottman calls this “turning toward” each other in moments of difficulty.

Try this:
Pause and say, “It seems like we’re both stressed right now. How can we handle this together?”
This can help shift the dynamic from being combative with each other to problem-solving as a team.

2. Create a Holiday Ritual of Connection

Small, intentional moments of closeness help couples stay grounded and understand each other more. Gottman’s research shows that regular rituals strengthen the friendship that is at the core of a romantic relationship.

Some ideas:

  • A nightly five-minute check-in
  • A weekly holiday planning session with coffee or takeout
  • A tradition for just the two of you to enjoy together, no in-laws or kids allowed

3. Set Realistic Expectations

A lot of holiday conflict stems from unspoken assumptions: how much time to spend with each family, who buys which gifts, how much money to spend, and so on and so forth for the rest of the (not-so silent) night.

Gottman encourages couples to do a dreams-within-conflict conversation, which is a gentle curiosity about the deeper meaning and hopes behind your partner’s behaviours. Something may seem small to one partner, but there may be hidden meaning or an unmet need behind it, and understanding what each partner wants out of the holidays can help with setting realistic expectations of each other.

Ask each other:

  • What matters most to you during the holidays?
  • What feels stressful, and why?
  • What traditions are worth keeping? What can we tweak or let go of?

4. Soft Start-Ups When Overwhelmed

The holidays can add an extra layer of stress onto relationships that may already be strained, leading to more snappy comments or defensive reactions. It’s important to consider that how a conversation begins often predicts how it ends too.

Try starting with:

  • “I’m feeling overwhelmed and could use some help with…”
  • “I want us to enjoy this weekend, and I’m noticing I’m feeling stressed about…”

Soft start-ups can help couples avoid placing blame or criticism, even when emotions are running higher than usual.

5. Prioritize Self-Care

You’re a better partner when your own nervous system is supported, and even in a partnership, you both deserve time and space to care for yourself. Look for small moments to take breaks, and have a solid understanding of what feels soothing and when to use it. If resentment is building, practice taking a time-out before escalating into a heightened conflict. Maybe you can even build solo time in during your weekly planning date!

6. Protect the Relationship from Outside Forces

Holiday gatherings can re-activate old family dynamics or conflicts. It can be helpful to work through a plan for handling certain events, situations, relationships, or emotions, so that you can maintain a sense of unity even when external pressures are piling on the stress.

Agree on simple signals or plans:

  • A cue that you need a break or are ready to head home from that work holiday party or family dinner
  • A plan for dealing with difficult relatives
  • A short debrief after events to reconnect and identify what could be improved on, but also what went well, which leads to our last tip:

7. Celebrate Small Wins

Notice what’s going well, and acknowledge each other’s effort! Affection and appreciation directly counteract criticism and blaming. Look for ways to sprinkle a little bit of holiday magic into your interactions to keep your partnership feeling merry and bright.

You might say:

  • “Thanks for checking in with me today.”
  • “I really appreciated how you helped with dinner.”
  • “I loved sharing that quiet moment together.”

Especially during a busy time, these small moments of connection can strengthen trust and positive sentiment, overriding potentially negative views of your partner.

The holidays don’t need to be perfect to be meaningful. When couples approach the season with teamwork and intention, they create a foundation strong enough to weather busy schedules, family obligations, and a mountain of stress. Integrating Gottman’s research, we can see how small moments of turning toward each other, even when things are busy and stressful, will help you and your partner navigate the upcoming season as a team, and hopefully enjoy celebrating the season and the beautiful life you two have built together.

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